Dear Friends: I wrote this particular blog about a week after I arrived in Kansas City, in the beginning of July. I knew I was whining then, and so I was very reluctant to share it at the time. Yet when I read it now I see it as the beginning of the 'new thing' God is doing in my life. It's important in the 'now' to give a full perspective of the 'then'.
In His Love,
Kathy
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OK, I'm crabby today. This allergy thing is dragging me down, but I know it's more than allergies, and I need to explore what's bothering me.
The thought that comes to mind is 'this isn't fun anymore'. Truthfully, though, it was never supposed to be a time of 'fun' for fun's sake alone. I knew that in my head, but experiencing the isolation I'm feeling right now is letting me know the 'fun', the excitement, the newness, has run out and it's been replaced with the daily grind of working towards the goal, the purpose for me being here in the first place.
Laying down 'me', laying down the person of Kathy Sullivan and who I perceive her to be, and picking up Jesus is the main goal, and the place I've come to now, my real starting point. I've caught a glimpse of the process just over the horizon, just out of clear view. I can actually feel what it will feel like to lay self down, to give up my own thoughts and ideas, my perceptions of life, and let Holy Spirit replace it with His Truth. I'm not there yet though, not even close. Instead, I'm whining and complaining about how hard it is, just not loud enough for most people to hear. But I hear it. Breaking up the fallow ground, I think that's what Jesus calls it in the Gospels. I know I'm using the word fallow incorrectly, but to me it means breaking up the rock-hard soil, and replacing it with soft loom that will easily and gratefully accept the planted seeds of new life.
I'm having a tantrum inside of me, a kicking, screaming, pouting, throwing things tantrum that says this is TOO HARD. It says 'You're asking too much of me'. Yet I know I won't quit, that I will plow through, because God has promised to give me the desire of my heart, even when I thought I knew what that desire was but really didn't. But He knows what that desire must be, and He is taking me on that journey, beginning now. Who would have thought that 'dying to self' had to come before 'raised to new life in Christ'?
I kind of imagine that the process is like birth pains. Even though I have three kids, they were all delivered by the zipper method. I've never gone through a full labor before delivery. Maybe if I had I would have something with which to compare this 'new birth'.
Be that as it may, I'm in it for the long haul. Please pray for me.
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