Dear Friends: This is a blog I wrote early in July concerning my experience on the first Saturday after I arrived in Kansas City. Holy Spirit did an amazing operation on my heart that morning. Later in the day, when I went to our Simeon Company orientation, I received prayer that confirmed God's love for me, even in my brokenness.
And it is with great joy in my heart and deep appreciation to the God Who heals us, that I share with you that several weeks later God delivered me from my dependence on these medications, and He has made me whole in my body!
Before posting this, I first shared it with the group from home who have been interceding for months for these 'addicted and mentally ill ones'. Please join us in continued pray for these little ones held captive by addiction and mental illness.
In His Love,
Kathy
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Who would have thought that my journey into relationship with Jesus would begin at the place of addiction? Only God.
For years I've been on a medication regimen for a condition called fibromyalgia. Although initially diagnosed in 1990, I began to experience serious, debilitating flare-ups in the early years of the 2000's. The flare-ups became so bad that they led to my retirement in 2009 from a career in the utility industry where I had worked for 23 years. Although healing of fibromyalgia was spoken over me in 2006, and I had confessed that healing on numerous occasions, I was never fully free of the symptoms, including the lack of sleep which is a big trigger. Right around the time I retired I began with a new doctor who put me on a medication regimen that freed me from the symptoms. Over the years since then, though, it's always nagged at me that I've continued to confess I am healed, but I never wanted my medications to be far from my reach. A few times over the years I've actually weaned myself off of them, but I always went back while I've continued to ask God to deliver me.
It was when I arrived in Kansas City, medications in hand, that I realized neither of the meds I take for the fibromyalgia (fibro) had any refills left on them. When I called my primary doctor, much to my shock and dismay, she refused to refill them and directed me to my rheumatologist. Well, I had stopped going to the specialist for several reasons, and my primary doctor was my only link to getting these two meds refilled. I called her a second time a few days later and again she refused the refills. I began to panic.
One med, the one that helps me sleep, was completely empty. I tried replacing it with an over-the-counter natural alternative, but it didn't work. After spending several restless nights, when I awoke that Saturday morning in early July, I was overcome with fear of the fibro symptoms returning. I actually experienced a desperation for the two medications that were either empty or soon to be empty. The realization struck me that these were symptoms of addiction. But the even deeper fear was that now I was going to have to TRUST GOD to deliver me, there was no Plan B.
When I was young, my mother was addicted to pain medications, prescription drugs, and alcohol. As I sat in my bed that Saturday morning, weeping in fear at the predicament I saw myself in, Holy Spirit brought to mind my mother and her struggles during my growing up years. He showed me that I had lived in a place of judgment over her for many, many years. Mom eventually overcame the addictions to meds and alcohol, although how she did it I never knew. But at the end of her life she loved Jesus with all her heart. The years when we were kids were not easy for her nor for our family. Holy Spirit filled me with a compassion for my mother that, in all of my 63 years, I had never before known.
Holy Spirit also brought to my mind the many months seven of us from my church have been praying for release from addiction and mental illness for a number of acquaintances and loved ones. He showed me a religious spirit and cavalier attitude in my prayer for these addicted ones, a 'get over it and move on with your life' attitude beneath the surface of my pious prayers. I needed to repent and let compassion well up there, also.
In the way only God can do, after I repented of my self-righteousness, Holy Spirit spoke to my heart: "I AM the God that healeth thee, and every knee shall bow before Me, in heaven and on earth, and under the earth, even the god of addiction." Amen, Lord, so be it.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I Have You Betrothed You To Me Forever
This past week, August 6-8, the monthly Global Bridegroom Fast (GBF) took place at IHOPKC. It's a three day fast held on the first Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of each month, with the main focus being breakthrough by the Spirit to a deeper revelation of Jesus as Bridegroom King. The whole missions base is encouraged to participate, and all classes cease for those three days and everyone, staff and students alike, spend their time in fasting and prayer.
There is definitely a grace for fasting here on the IHOPKC mission base. A lifestyle of worship, prayer and fasting unto Jesus, our Bridegroom King, is the foundation of everything that goes on here. Since arriving in KC I've begun to somewhat understand that truth, but I had yet to receive a Holy Spirit heart revelation.
My main motivator for coming to IHOPKC was to grow in deeper relationship with Jesus. I longed for heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. So as the three days began I wrote in my journal, 'Abba, may I ask? Please, Holy Spirit, help me understand the Bridegroom fast. Help me, Holy Spirit, to know the Bridegroom and to meet Him during this time of fasting.' And then I wrote 'Everything stops for the Bridegroom when He comes.'
On Monday of the fast I was in the prayer room for several hours, even though Monday is Simeon Saturday for us. I wanted to know the Bridegroom, and spent time looking up scriptures that pertained to Jesus as Bridegroom. There are several foundational scriptures referred to often at IHOPKC concerning Jesus as Bridegroom: one is from Matthew 9, where Jesus talks about the friends of the Bridegroom and fasting; another is in John 3 when John the Baptist refers to Jesus as the Bridegroom, with John being the friend of the Bridegroom.
On Tuesday of the GBF, the Holy Spirit led me to Hosea 2:19, 20:
Wednesday was the last day of the fast, and I continued to meditate and reflect on Hosea and the different ways in which the Bridegroom calls His Bride: in righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, mercy, and in faithfulness.
Spending time in the prayer room on Wednesday, I noticed a couple sitting in front of me, only two rows ahead of me. As I continued to read in Hosea, I found myself watching these two, caught up in how much they obviously cared for each other. I could tell by the way they leaned into one another with shoulders touching; how they looked at one another; just their overall body language. I couldn't see if they were wearing wedding rings, but it didn't matter because their love and affection for one another was plain to see.
At one point the woman got up and left the prayer room. When she returned a few minutes later, as she was stepping into the row to take her seat, she looked at the man with such affection that it overwhelmed me. After she sat down she draped her arm on his shoulder and he leaned over and kissed it.
It was at that moment that the Bridegroom began to speak to my heart as memories came flooding in. "Do you remember how it felt when you were at the place where they are now? Do you remember the feelings of love and affection you had for your husband when you were dating him, how special you felt, how loved? Well, those are the same feelings of love and affection I have for you!"
You see, I have a relationship with Jesus and I know I'm saved. Yet both here at IHOPKC and back home at Changepoint Church people talk about intimacy with Jesus, of feeling His love. Certainly not in a sexual way, but with a heart knowledge that they know that they know they are loved. I had come to Kansas City to search out the deeper things of the Spirit; to both know and feel the love of Jesus. That was the desire of my heart, and now the Bridegroom was revealing that very thing to me!
As the revelation of His Bridegroom love dropped into my spirit, I again read the two verses from Hosea that opened up this truth to me. The Bridegroom tells His beloved that she is betrothed to Him in, among other virtues, faithfulness. And I thought again of the verse in Ephesians that tells me I was chosen before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless in Him in love.
The faithfulness promise is what sealed the truth of the revelation in my heart. Having been married and divorced twice, I had truly not known faithfulness, and so relating to the Bridegroom on a heart level was something I did not know nor could I do. Yet the revealed truth to me was that He chose me before the foundation of the world, and has been faithful to me ever since, in spite of me! While I was yet in sin, Christ died for me, His betrothed!
Thanks be to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Bridegroom King, that through His Holy Spirit He renews our minds and speaks these truths directly to our hearts!
"Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."
Jeremiah 31:3
There is definitely a grace for fasting here on the IHOPKC mission base. A lifestyle of worship, prayer and fasting unto Jesus, our Bridegroom King, is the foundation of everything that goes on here. Since arriving in KC I've begun to somewhat understand that truth, but I had yet to receive a Holy Spirit heart revelation.
My main motivator for coming to IHOPKC was to grow in deeper relationship with Jesus. I longed for heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. So as the three days began I wrote in my journal, 'Abba, may I ask? Please, Holy Spirit, help me understand the Bridegroom fast. Help me, Holy Spirit, to know the Bridegroom and to meet Him during this time of fasting.' And then I wrote 'Everything stops for the Bridegroom when He comes.'
On Monday of the fast I was in the prayer room for several hours, even though Monday is Simeon Saturday for us. I wanted to know the Bridegroom, and spent time looking up scriptures that pertained to Jesus as Bridegroom. There are several foundational scriptures referred to often at IHOPKC concerning Jesus as Bridegroom: one is from Matthew 9, where Jesus talks about the friends of the Bridegroom and fasting; another is in John 3 when John the Baptist refers to Jesus as the Bridegroom, with John being the friend of the Bridegroom.
On Tuesday of the GBF, the Holy Spirit led me to Hosea 2:19, 20:
- I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.
Wednesday was the last day of the fast, and I continued to meditate and reflect on Hosea and the different ways in which the Bridegroom calls His Bride: in righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, mercy, and in faithfulness.
Spending time in the prayer room on Wednesday, I noticed a couple sitting in front of me, only two rows ahead of me. As I continued to read in Hosea, I found myself watching these two, caught up in how much they obviously cared for each other. I could tell by the way they leaned into one another with shoulders touching; how they looked at one another; just their overall body language. I couldn't see if they were wearing wedding rings, but it didn't matter because their love and affection for one another was plain to see.
At one point the woman got up and left the prayer room. When she returned a few minutes later, as she was stepping into the row to take her seat, she looked at the man with such affection that it overwhelmed me. After she sat down she draped her arm on his shoulder and he leaned over and kissed it.
It was at that moment that the Bridegroom began to speak to my heart as memories came flooding in. "Do you remember how it felt when you were at the place where they are now? Do you remember the feelings of love and affection you had for your husband when you were dating him, how special you felt, how loved? Well, those are the same feelings of love and affection I have for you!"
You see, I have a relationship with Jesus and I know I'm saved. Yet both here at IHOPKC and back home at Changepoint Church people talk about intimacy with Jesus, of feeling His love. Certainly not in a sexual way, but with a heart knowledge that they know that they know they are loved. I had come to Kansas City to search out the deeper things of the Spirit; to both know and feel the love of Jesus. That was the desire of my heart, and now the Bridegroom was revealing that very thing to me!
As the revelation of His Bridegroom love dropped into my spirit, I again read the two verses from Hosea that opened up this truth to me. The Bridegroom tells His beloved that she is betrothed to Him in, among other virtues, faithfulness. And I thought again of the verse in Ephesians that tells me I was chosen before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless in Him in love.
The faithfulness promise is what sealed the truth of the revelation in my heart. Having been married and divorced twice, I had truly not known faithfulness, and so relating to the Bridegroom on a heart level was something I did not know nor could I do. Yet the revealed truth to me was that He chose me before the foundation of the world, and has been faithful to me ever since, in spite of me! While I was yet in sin, Christ died for me, His betrothed!
Thanks be to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Bridegroom King, that through His Holy Spirit He renews our minds and speaks these truths directly to our hearts!
"Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you."
Jeremiah 31:3
The Krabby Patty Factor - Thanks, Sponge Bob!
Dear Friends: I wrote this particular blog about a week after I arrived in Kansas City, in the beginning of July. I knew I was whining then, and so I was very reluctant to share it at the time. Yet when I read it now I see it as the beginning of the 'new thing' God is doing in my life. It's important in the 'now' to give a full perspective of the 'then'.
In His Love,
Kathy
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OK, I'm crabby today. This allergy thing is dragging me down, but I know it's more than allergies, and I need to explore what's bothering me.
The thought that comes to mind is 'this isn't fun anymore'. Truthfully, though, it was never supposed to be a time of 'fun' for fun's sake alone. I knew that in my head, but experiencing the isolation I'm feeling right now is letting me know the 'fun', the excitement, the newness, has run out and it's been replaced with the daily grind of working towards the goal, the purpose for me being here in the first place.
Laying down 'me', laying down the person of Kathy Sullivan and who I perceive her to be, and picking up Jesus is the main goal, and the place I've come to now, my real starting point. I've caught a glimpse of the process just over the horizon, just out of clear view. I can actually feel what it will feel like to lay self down, to give up my own thoughts and ideas, my perceptions of life, and let Holy Spirit replace it with His Truth. I'm not there yet though, not even close. Instead, I'm whining and complaining about how hard it is, just not loud enough for most people to hear. But I hear it. Breaking up the fallow ground, I think that's what Jesus calls it in the Gospels. I know I'm using the word fallow incorrectly, but to me it means breaking up the rock-hard soil, and replacing it with soft loom that will easily and gratefully accept the planted seeds of new life.
I'm having a tantrum inside of me, a kicking, screaming, pouting, throwing things tantrum that says this is TOO HARD. It says 'You're asking too much of me'. Yet I know I won't quit, that I will plow through, because God has promised to give me the desire of my heart, even when I thought I knew what that desire was but really didn't. But He knows what that desire must be, and He is taking me on that journey, beginning now. Who would have thought that 'dying to self' had to come before 'raised to new life in Christ'?
I kind of imagine that the process is like birth pains. Even though I have three kids, they were all delivered by the zipper method. I've never gone through a full labor before delivery. Maybe if I had I would have something with which to compare this 'new birth'.
Be that as it may, I'm in it for the long haul. Please pray for me.
In His Love,
Kathy
*****************************************************************************************************************
OK, I'm crabby today. This allergy thing is dragging me down, but I know it's more than allergies, and I need to explore what's bothering me.
The thought that comes to mind is 'this isn't fun anymore'. Truthfully, though, it was never supposed to be a time of 'fun' for fun's sake alone. I knew that in my head, but experiencing the isolation I'm feeling right now is letting me know the 'fun', the excitement, the newness, has run out and it's been replaced with the daily grind of working towards the goal, the purpose for me being here in the first place.
Laying down 'me', laying down the person of Kathy Sullivan and who I perceive her to be, and picking up Jesus is the main goal, and the place I've come to now, my real starting point. I've caught a glimpse of the process just over the horizon, just out of clear view. I can actually feel what it will feel like to lay self down, to give up my own thoughts and ideas, my perceptions of life, and let Holy Spirit replace it with His Truth. I'm not there yet though, not even close. Instead, I'm whining and complaining about how hard it is, just not loud enough for most people to hear. But I hear it. Breaking up the fallow ground, I think that's what Jesus calls it in the Gospels. I know I'm using the word fallow incorrectly, but to me it means breaking up the rock-hard soil, and replacing it with soft loom that will easily and gratefully accept the planted seeds of new life.
I'm having a tantrum inside of me, a kicking, screaming, pouting, throwing things tantrum that says this is TOO HARD. It says 'You're asking too much of me'. Yet I know I won't quit, that I will plow through, because God has promised to give me the desire of my heart, even when I thought I knew what that desire was but really didn't. But He knows what that desire must be, and He is taking me on that journey, beginning now. Who would have thought that 'dying to self' had to come before 'raised to new life in Christ'?
I kind of imagine that the process is like birth pains. Even though I have three kids, they were all delivered by the zipper method. I've never gone through a full labor before delivery. Maybe if I had I would have something with which to compare this 'new birth'.
Be that as it may, I'm in it for the long haul. Please pray for me.
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